I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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