They should really pass out barf bags in church
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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