matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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