i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
