In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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