I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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