She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My life is pants optional.
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