friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
