i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize