someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
