I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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