the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
