I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
