I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize