my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize