sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
