this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
