Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
