I wanna bring you to show and tell
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
