My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
