get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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