you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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