Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dicks are not precious.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
