I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
