I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
