If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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