Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
