I look better un-naked...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
