The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
