I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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