You smell like a Billy Joel song
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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