My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just want to make out with him forever
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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