i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
