So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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