Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
