i can't believe i had my finger in that
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
