Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
