i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
