I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
