you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
