so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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