I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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