She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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