Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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