I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
