just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
