i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
