Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize