The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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