bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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