Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I will pee on everything he values.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
