I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
