you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
