I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize