Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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