I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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