i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
