You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
