i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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