I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize